Where is my happily ever after?

Today I'm not talking about being a mother.  I am not talking about my beautiful and vibrant 3 year old.  I am going to talk about being a woman, a wife, an individual, a person who deserves to be loved, respected and appreciated.

This all started 2 days ago when after having one of the most rewarding days in my new job (a long story but a proud moment for me), I came home to cook, clean, do the laundry, make watermelon Popsicles with my messy helper (which as you can imagine involved 2 messy accidents), bathe her, fix her scooter, take her out to teach her how to ride it, come back serve dinner, do the dishes, get breakfast, lunch ready for the next day.  I asked my spouse to get A baby to bed.  His response was I did it 2 days in a row already its your turn now.  Really????  When is it your turn hubby? When do I take a break from from all of this?  Seething with anger I did it anyway.

I really did not want to fight, I had enough of this crap.  So with a clam mind and few talking points in my head, that I had mentally practiced all day I spoke to him the next night.  I said I need help, will you give it to me?  I need you to take A to bed every weeknight.  To that the response was what work do u have?  You have a standard 8-5 job.  You get a cleaning lady to help u (every 2 weeks).  You make a pittance.  Why don't you make the money then I will stay home and help out.  What work do you have that you are so overwhelmed.  I am much more stressed than you, I work 12-14 hour days so I am not going to help.

First of all I don't stay home.  But even if I did does that mean I am any less of a person?  Does that mean I magically do not need help?  AM I worthless?  IS a woman's worth only about how much money she makes?  IS that all the contribution there is? Really? I have done things for him, that I am not comfortable doing just because I want him to be happy.  I am fat I know it, so I give him the lee way to do anything he demands when it comes to the physical act of love.  Yes I enjoy it (50% of the time), is it 50 shades of grey knock your socks off kind of ... NOT! When I don't enjoy it I fake it, I do not make a fuss.  Its not the end of the world. I thought graduating will make him happy...it did for 2 days.  I thought finding a job will make him happy it did for 2 weeks. Will he ever be happy?  Will I ever be happy? IS it my burden to make an insecure Egoistic chauvinist happy? Am I so weak that I need someone like him to make me happy?

When do I get to be happy?  Will making 20k more give me a license to be happy?  Is money the only yardstick with which I will be respected in my home? Will money make life happy? I think not. He hurt me.  He knows it.  He thinks he is right. There is no point in arguing.  I resolved to myself that I will do what I can and then when I can't I can't.  Can you demand respect? NO.  I read today that a hurt person will hurt another. So if H is hurting then he is deflecting his insecurities onto me. They said to be an evolved person you have to love anyway.  Am I evolved enough to love anyway?  Will that make me happy? Where is the happily ever after I promised myself I would find? Will I ever find it? 

3 years later

Time flies, my inconsolably crying 3 month old is now 3 years old.  'A' baby doesn't wake up at night, in fact getting her out of bed in the morning is a CHORE! She loves her daddy, loves princesses and making new friends (in that order).  She is very different from me and yet everything I ever wanted to be.  

A lot has happened over 3 years, her mommy graduated school, daddy has a new stressful, no time at all kind of job. 'A' baby is in preschool, she is bi-lingual, loves to sing songs in both languages, enjoys dancing, had a first dance recital on stage, makes the weirdest excuses for doing/not doing something ("Mommy, because I danced for yellow polka dot bikini I am shy!" "Because I am a big girl I have to drink milk from the water glass"); she is god believing, i don't like saying fearing, loves Gurudware, her grandparents, reading and trying to write and much much more...., she potty trained herself! I know I still can't believe it.

I was in such a hurry for her to grow up that I did not truly appreciate the lovely baby that she was.  She was an easy baby, she loves her mommy but she already doesn't need me.  Yesterday I took her out to play with a new group of friends, after she warmed up she did not want me to hold her hand, help her count, help her look for friends who are hiding. NOTHING! When did she become so independent?  When did she stop needing me!?!?  It suddenly hit me that I was soo busy waiting for her to grow up that I forgot to enjoy the time she was little.  It really does go by very very fast!

I am going to be another annoying mom who will say it I know I can't believe it...I am saying it...here goes....

"Enjoy it!  It goes by very fast.  They are little for a very short time!"

I am so proud of the little outgoing, tantrum throwing, hugging and kissing monster that she is.  I wish she always has this attitude to make new friends, play and enjoy life.  Have no time to eat because she is so busy having fun! LOVE U - Mommy!