Where is my happily ever after?

Today I'm not talking about being a mother.  I am not talking about my beautiful and vibrant 3 year old.  I am going to talk about being a woman, a wife, an individual, a person who deserves to be loved, respected and appreciated.

This all started 2 days ago when after having one of the most rewarding days in my new job (a long story but a proud moment for me), I came home to cook, clean, do the laundry, make watermelon Popsicles with my messy helper (which as you can imagine involved 2 messy accidents), bathe her, fix her scooter, take her out to teach her how to ride it, come back serve dinner, do the dishes, get breakfast, lunch ready for the next day.  I asked my spouse to get A baby to bed.  His response was I did it 2 days in a row already its your turn now.  Really????  When is it your turn hubby? When do I take a break from from all of this?  Seething with anger I did it anyway.

I really did not want to fight, I had enough of this crap.  So with a clam mind and few talking points in my head, that I had mentally practiced all day I spoke to him the next night.  I said I need help, will you give it to me?  I need you to take A to bed every weeknight.  To that the response was what work do u have?  You have a standard 8-5 job.  You get a cleaning lady to help u (every 2 weeks).  You make a pittance.  Why don't you make the money then I will stay home and help out.  What work do you have that you are so overwhelmed.  I am much more stressed than you, I work 12-14 hour days so I am not going to help.

First of all I don't stay home.  But even if I did does that mean I am any less of a person?  Does that mean I magically do not need help?  AM I worthless?  IS a woman's worth only about how much money she makes?  IS that all the contribution there is? Really? I have done things for him, that I am not comfortable doing just because I want him to be happy.  I am fat I know it, so I give him the lee way to do anything he demands when it comes to the physical act of love.  Yes I enjoy it (50% of the time), is it 50 shades of grey knock your socks off kind of ... NOT! When I don't enjoy it I fake it, I do not make a fuss.  Its not the end of the world. I thought graduating will make him happy...it did for 2 days.  I thought finding a job will make him happy it did for 2 weeks. Will he ever be happy?  Will I ever be happy? IS it my burden to make an insecure Egoistic chauvinist happy? Am I so weak that I need someone like him to make me happy?

When do I get to be happy?  Will making 20k more give me a license to be happy?  Is money the only yardstick with which I will be respected in my home? Will money make life happy? I think not. He hurt me.  He knows it.  He thinks he is right. There is no point in arguing.  I resolved to myself that I will do what I can and then when I can't I can't.  Can you demand respect? NO.  I read today that a hurt person will hurt another. So if H is hurting then he is deflecting his insecurities onto me. They said to be an evolved person you have to love anyway.  Am I evolved enough to love anyway?  Will that make me happy? Where is the happily ever after I promised myself I would find? Will I ever find it? 

3 years later

Time flies, my inconsolably crying 3 month old is now 3 years old.  'A' baby doesn't wake up at night, in fact getting her out of bed in the morning is a CHORE! She loves her daddy, loves princesses and making new friends (in that order).  She is very different from me and yet everything I ever wanted to be.  

A lot has happened over 3 years, her mommy graduated school, daddy has a new stressful, no time at all kind of job. 'A' baby is in preschool, she is bi-lingual, loves to sing songs in both languages, enjoys dancing, had a first dance recital on stage, makes the weirdest excuses for doing/not doing something ("Mommy, because I danced for yellow polka dot bikini I am shy!" "Because I am a big girl I have to drink milk from the water glass"); she is god believing, i don't like saying fearing, loves Gurudware, her grandparents, reading and trying to write and much much more...., she potty trained herself! I know I still can't believe it.

I was in such a hurry for her to grow up that I did not truly appreciate the lovely baby that she was.  She was an easy baby, she loves her mommy but she already doesn't need me.  Yesterday I took her out to play with a new group of friends, after she warmed up she did not want me to hold her hand, help her count, help her look for friends who are hiding. NOTHING! When did she become so independent?  When did she stop needing me!?!?  It suddenly hit me that I was soo busy waiting for her to grow up that I forgot to enjoy the time she was little.  It really does go by very very fast!

I am going to be another annoying mom who will say it I know I can't believe it...I am saying it...here goes....

"Enjoy it!  It goes by very fast.  They are little for a very short time!"

I am so proud of the little outgoing, tantrum throwing, hugging and kissing monster that she is.  I wish she always has this attitude to make new friends, play and enjoy life.  Have no time to eat because she is so busy having fun! LOVE U - Mommy!

Attitude baby??

So yes there is light at the end of the tunnel.  She has stopped crying bloody murder every night and the growth spurt ended (well at least this one has for now) after 2 weeks of sleepless nights.  Baby has started to roll over from tummy to back, finally I was starting to worry.

Until about a week ago all she really wanted to do is talk and talk and talk some more.  She is a real chatter box.  When no one is paying any attention to her she screeches and screams so as to get our attention.  She has also developed a bit of an attitude.  I went to a meeting in another state and was gone for the day and when I got back, she refused to smile at me or talk to me.  She has developed an attitude?!? Is that even possible?  She is just four months old. Oh my I am in for a real treat am I not!!

So yesterday was Halloween and I have been planning her costume for a while now.  I was going to dress her up as a teddy bear and she refused to wear the costume.  It was a no fuss hoody and pants and she did not want to wear it.  How can a 4 month old refuse to wear a costume?  Well you really had to be there.  All I can say is that there was a lot of squirming and fussing and tugging involved.  Maybe if I had got her a more girly girl costume it would have been ok?  Oh well....you have a real Attitude Baby!!

3 month old baby crying inconsolably

So parenting challenges never end! And the best news is...its only the beginning for me.  I have only one child and she is only now an infant.  So what do I know? Apparently nothing.  All I know is that after one hurdle comes another.  So the growth spurt thing has passed but now my baby cries bloody murder every night.  This has been happening the day after she turned 3 months old.  Surely biology doesn't follow the modern day calender, does it?? Well for my baby it does.  The turn of a new month brings new challenges along.  This month has been especially difficult, with one thing after another. It started off with a nursing strike, followed up night waking, followed by inconsolable crying every night. 
As has been the norm, everytime she so much as moves a finger, I Google her action to see if its normal or not.  I know, I know Google doesn't have children.  But the people who blog, share their experiences on forums do right? So this time with the inconsolable crying I turned to my trusty friend Google again.  After ruling out some of the common culprits like teething and ear infection, I am left with overstimulation, move sleep time earlier and trying a lot of skin to skin contact. So tonight will be experiment day number one:

1. I will move to the quiet bedroom with baby at 7pm. 
2. Change her.
3. Nurse her.
4. Sing softly to her
5. Remind myself.  This is only a phase, it will pass. Like everything else has it will get better.

Fingers crossed, hope it works!

3 month growth spurt??

My mom-in-law always says "Dont say anything nice about your baby!  Nazar lagegi! (you will unwittingly cast an evil eye)". I used to think this was rubbish...but no no its true.  My sweet, well-behaved, baby started sleeping for 4-6 hours straight when she was 2 weeks old.  I knew this isn't how most baby's behave. I knew we were lucky to have such a night sleepy baby.  But did that stop me from jinxing it?  No, I told everyone who cared to ask how well my baby started sleeping through the night. 

"Knock on wood!" "Oh wow! really??", were the most frequent responses. Come 12 weeks and sleep just dissappeared from baby's beautiful eyes.  She is up almost every hour crying, hungry and wanting to be held. "It is a growth spurt." "Maybe she is teething?" "Did you try formula at night?" are now the most frequent responses. It was too good to last wan't it?  Growth spurt seems like the most plausible answer.  What are the signs?? Just so I have a ready list to refer to if I am in doubt the next time (if this time ever ends), here goes:

1. Baby will be extra irritable and cranky at night.
2. She will wake up every hour and want to be held constantly
3. She will only fall asleep if she can smell a boob or has you in the most uncomfortable position. The minute either is moved she up and wailing again.
4. You have no idea when she last woke you up, if you burped her or if she even had anything to burp about!
5. Your days will all blend in one another, you have no idea what you did this past week and cannot believe its only been a week?? Feels like much much much longer!

Hope and pray this ends soon- the night waking not the growing.  Definitely not the growing! :)

A new momma's pumping project

I woke up this morning at 3am to a hungry baby's frantic cries.  Feeding is one of the most satisfying experiences for a mother, is what we've all read at one point or the other.  No one tells you how boring it is.  Especially when you are trying to keep your eyes open and be awake enough to realise when it is time to offer the other side or when it is time to burp.  My iphone albeit the slowest iphone in the world is my faithful companion, along with my DH's loud snores.  Oh I have to retract my earlier statement even more boring than feeding is burping a sleepy child.  I'm sure every mother will agree, you rub baby's back half asleep for a good 5-10 minutes and when u give up and put the baby in the crib she starts crying, so back you go to try and burp her again and she falls asleep on you or you fall asleep whichever happens first.

I digress, anyway, so when I was half awake this morning I glanced at the calender on my phone (nothing new on facebook since the last time I checked at 12.07 am) and looked at the date September 14.  It was on this day exactly a year ago when I confided in myself that I really wanted a baby. I was ready and yearning for a child.  Very few things in life go according to plan.  But my PhD baby is a rare plan that worked.

We had been trying for a few months but September was different.  She was conceived in my mind before she was actually conceived.  Fast forward  a year later here I am nursing a 12 week old.  A beautiful year with a lot of love and many many many memories.  All of which will soon be a blur. So I decided I should write my thoughts down.  I had already lost out on so much.  Not anymore. I spend atleast one - 2 hours a day pumping and thanks to the miraculous hands free pumping bra I own I am now going to pen my thoughts down everyday I pump. So this is my pumping project. Much better than random surfing a facebook stalking dont you think?